Home Funeral: A more meaningful send-off at the end of life
Home funerals present an opportunity for your community to come together in honor of your life, to share emotions and support one another.
How would you like your funeral to go? We all have a first birthday, we all have a last one, and to gather in mourning for one who has died seems to be an essential facet of the human experience. No doubt you’d like for your loved ones to give each other support, to remember you fondly, to get a chance to say goodbye, even after you’ve passed. Where do you picture this all happening? Most likely, the image that comes to mind is a professional funeral parlor or a house of worship. Perhaps you're aware of the price tag for all of the funerary considerations, too. It’s expensive to live and expensive to die.
But what if there was a way to offer your surviving friends, family, and community an intimate gathering place to grieve, a place where they can be surrounded by natural reminders of you, enveloped in your love, a place where you felt most yourself, the most at peace? If all this sounds like a final gift you’d like to give your loved ones, luckily, there’s a tried-and-true way to do it: a home funeral.
The History That Changed Funerals
Home funerals present an opportunity for your community to come together in honor of your life, to share emotions and support one another, and to do so with a fraction of the cost of a “traditional” funeral. Having a funeral at one’s home might seem like a radical new idea, but the tradition of a home funeral stretches back centuries. Funerals taking place outside of the home is a relatively recent institution.
The Tradition of Home Funerals
Up until the mid-19th century, home funerals were the norm. Partially, this was out of practicality, as washing and preparing of the body before decomposition was necessary. At the same time, preparing a body for burial was a community effort, usually led by the family as part of an extended process to honor the dead, allowing time and space for grieving. A loss of a single person was considered a great loss for the entire community. Friends and family would come together to take care of chores and other responsibilities, too.
It wasn’t until the rise of a fledgling funeral industry during the Civil War that funerals became a commodified service and home funerals — and all of the community connections inherent in the practice — fell to the wayside, thanks to the invention of modern embalming techniques.
Community Care;
A loss of a single person may be considered a great loss for the entire community. Friends and family can come together to take care of chores and other responsibilities so the burden isn’t unmanageable.
The Invention of Modern Embalming
In 1838, Jean Gennal, a French chemist, developed a new method to preserve dead tissue for dissections and preparation of scientific tissue samples. His process involved injecting arsenic directly into a corpse’s carotid artery, rendering the regular decomposition process inert. Anatomists no longer had to worry about decaying human remains.
The Impact of the Civil War
When war broke out between the states, an unexpected result led to the roots of the modern funeral industry. The body of the first Union officer to be killed, Army Medical Corps Colonel Elmer Ellsworth, was preserved with this new technique, laid in state at the White House, and then toured New York for further viewing. This introduced the embalming process developed by Thomas Holmes — “Father of Modern Embalming” — to a wider public.
With the amount of soldiers dying from the war, families demanded embalming their loved one’s bodies in order to make the long journey home for the funeral. Typhoid fever raged as well, felling soldiers and civilians alike. President Abraham Lincoln’s son Willie was embalmed after dying from typhoid fever, and the grieving father visited his grave often, asking on at least two occasions for the coffin to be opened. The president himself was the first public figure to be embalmed after his infamous assassination, allowing his corpse to be on display for three weeks.
Funerals Then, and Now;
During the Civil War, funerals were changed from a family- and community-based ritual to a commodified service.
Fast-forward to today, and these funeral services sometimes have exorbitant costs and a large environmental impact.
The Rise of the Modern Funeral Industry
Embalming for soldiers during the Civil War became so popular that embalmers would set up shop near troop camps and battlefields. Some would even allow soldiers to prepay for their preparation, and sell coffins of their own making, gaining a reputation for being “vultures” amongst the army. Thomas Holmes, the embalmer who offered his services to Col. Ellsworth’s family, ended up embalming around 4,000 bodies, charging 100 dollars per corpse. Interestingly enough, Holmes stipulated his own body should not be embalmed upon his passing.
The popularity of embalming eventually gave rise to the modern funeral home and many common funerary practices, all focused around a desire to circumvent the natural process of human remains decomposition. Effectively, funerals were changed from family- and community-based rituals to a commodified service with sometimes exorbitant costs and large environmental impact. Within the modern death care industry, there’s a growing movement to return to the traditional practice of a home funeral.
Check out another article talking about the funeral history of the United States if you’re interested in reading more.
What is a Home Funeral?
A home funeral is very similar to contemporary funerals, but instead of being in a funeral home or religious edifice, they occur right in the home where the dead once lived. When compared to traditional funerals, some find the practice of home funerals to be more authentic. Home funerals focus intensely on family connection, where mourners come together for reflection and celebration of a unique life lived, and honor the memory of the dead in a very personal way.
Home funerals generally happen very quickly, within three days of a death, and due to all the moving parts necessary for a successful one, require a fair amount of forethought and early planning. Key aspects include:
Keeping the body cold: since most homes aren’t equipped with industrial mortuary freezers. Generally, if a body is kept at home for less than a full day, depending on location, time of year, and weather, having an open window or air conditioning running is enough for home funeral purposes. Other ways decomposition is slowed or paused for home funerals involve the use of dry ice, gel packs, cooling vests, or polymer refrigerants. No preservation or embalming is required!
Preparation for burial: it often involves, among other body care procedures, family and loved ones washing the body. This can be as simple as using soap and water. Sometimes, home funeral practitioners make this a ritual with prayers, candles, essential oils, and anything else the dead had wished to be a part of their funeral. Besides preventing any unwanted odors or sights, washing a loved one’s body is seen as a loving compassionate gesture, both symbolic and physical, and is often the last contact family and friends may have with them. Depending on when rigor mortis, the stiffening of joints and muscles after death, sets in — a timeline which is different for each person — it might be easier to bathe a body within the first 12 to 48 hours, as limb mobility could be affected. However, a gentle massage can help ease limbs into a desired position.
Ancestral Rituals;
These joyful practices showcase an utmost reverence for the dead, and the reality of death in general, as home funerals culminating in natural burials return a body to the earth.
All of these tasks are typically carried out by family members and their community, which can help everyone say goodbye and add a sense of ease or peace to processing difficult and complex emotions. Home funeral guides or death doulas can help with knowing what to do in each of these situations, and many people who have held a home funeral find the process to not be gross, scary, or daunting, as one might think.
These joyful practices showcase an utmost reverence for the dead, and the reality of death in general, as home funerals culminating in natural burials return a body to the earth. After the preparation of the body, depending on how it’s planned out, a viewing or visitation can occur, as well as other rituals and remembrances. Since community involvement is a key aspect of home funerals, oftentimes they result in a sense of connection, completion, and meaningfulness amidst sorrow and grief.
Reasons for Choosing a Home Funeral
In places where the law is supportive, a home funeral is a right to be exercised. The nature of a home funeral allows for a space to slow down the rhythm of normal life, and providing loved ones with some solace within grief is a final gift one could give. In general, home funerals give more time, privacy, and hands-on practices to make the death of a loved one a more meaningful experience with community support.
The financial aspect of modern funerals can’t be ignored, either, as funeral home services can quickly amount to a large bill. According to the National Home Funeral Alliance’s website, an average funeral in America costs just under $8,500. That’s just for the funeral service itself. Factoring in the cost of the casket, a vault, cremation, or burial costs, which can add, on average, upwards of $15,000, a funeral can require around $25,000. Home funerals, by comparison, can be done for as little as $500. This figure, the NHFA says, covers ice or dry ice, death certificate copies, burial-transit permits (which vary by state), a cardboard box or burial shroud, and even factors in gas for transporting the body. This doesn’t cover the cost of disposition at a local cemetery, but thanks to advocates of natural burial, many cemeteries across the country don’t require all the trimmings that quickly add financial burden. When taking into account the intimacy and authenticity of a home funeral, which you can’t put a price tag on, the pros just keep adding up.
Where To Start Home Funeral Planning?
Though awareness and interest in home funerals is growing, information about planning and carrying out home funerals can sometimes seem difficult to find. Luckily, there are death care professionals — death doulas — who serve as guiding roles throughout the entire process.
Death Doulas
Death doulas, or death midwives, who do home funerals have the knowledge and experience to guide families through the steps of a heartfelt and authentic home funeral. Since much of the time death is something unplanned and unexpected, home funeral death doulas advocate for thorough planning before death becomes imminent. Connecting with a death doula to talk about before and after death care, one's wishes for burial, and other considerations as early as possible allows doulas to create a bond between those who may be facing death and aid the family in care practices and grief support when the moment comes. Services carried out with this level of care and personal connection have the potential to impart a sense of peace within the grieving process.
Partnering with a death doula also provides an opportunity to talk about death and dying in an open and honest way, free from judgment or coercion. These discussions can help someone planning a home funeral learn more about what they might like, and what kind of support they and their loved ones might need. Since home funerals often involve some sort of preparation of the body, death doulas can serve as an extra set of hands to assist with all aspects of death care. Having this kind of support in a home funeral means it’s a safe space to feel overwhelmed or tired, and ask for help.
National Home Funeral Alliance (NHFA)
The National Home Funeral Alliance is an organization that seeks to educate on home care for the dying and dead. They believe death care is for everyone, and want the public knowledgeable about their alternative funeral options, such as home funerals and natural burials. As part of their mission, they publish easily accessible educational materials on their website. One such resource is the NHFA Home Funeral Guidebook, which is available as a paperback, or as a pay-what-you-can digital edition for e-readers and mobile devices along with a print quality copy. Their guidebook covers everything from planning a home funeral, to the proper care for remains, to different perspectives about grief.
A good place to start is by downloading the guidebook to begin some self education, followed by connecting with a local death doula to start discussing options. There’s no wrong time to start preparations for death and bodily disposition. Death doulas know how to advocate for the final wishes of their clients, like having a funeral in the comfort of one’s home.
Finding Resources;
The NHFA Home Funeral Guidebook is available as a paperback, or as a pay-what-you-can digital edition for e-readers and mobile devices. Their guidebook covers everything from planning a home funeral, to the proper care for remains, to different perspectives about grief.
Home Funeral Obstacles
Unfortunately, due to regulations based on outdated fears, myths, and ideas about the danger a dead body poses to public health, home funerals are not available everywhere. Many states allow for home funerals, and some Canadian provinces. In California, for example, home funerals only require a death certificate and legal permission to transport a dead body. Other states require having a funeral director present. Laws regarding transport of unembalmed human remains vary from state to state. There’s also the relative quickness with which a home funeral must be carried out, since decomposition also tends to set in quickly. Death doulas can help guide families and individuals through all of the considerations and necessities of planning a home funeral.
Another obstacle for home funerals becoming a widespread practice again is public perception. The context of death, dying, and funerals is so intertwined with the funeral industry in our collective awareness that having a funeral at home might seem strange or wrong to neighbors, friends, or colleagues, which may scare some people off from exploring the idea. That’s why the idea of education and advocating for alternative burials and home funerals is paramount within the death positive movement.
Have A Good Death
Finding Support;
As the grief of loss sets in, turning to our family, whether by blood or by choice, friends, and community helps to spread the pressing weight around.
If you haven’t thought about it before, take a second right now and consider the question; what does having a good death mean to you? Does it look like being surrounded by love and comfort, free of fear, and full of support? Does it look like your friends and family who remain seeing a path toward the end of grief? For many people, all the ideals that they might like to have in and surrounding their death are congruent with the idea of a home funeral.
Those in the death care industry who want the public informed about alternative funerary options often see it as a social justice issue. Modern funerals often have limited accessibility to services which someone might otherwise want for their death and funeral, forcing unnecessary financial burden on families who already are dealing with the immense pressure of present grief. Death positive practices want people to be educated about their rights and options, that a peaceful passing with community support might be available to all with little or no gatekeeping for any reason.
As the grief of loss sets in, turning to our family, whether by blood or by choice, friends, and community helps to spread the pressing weight around. With home funerals, the focus goes back to the intimately personal nature of saying goodbye to a dying loved one, and the natural way their body should decompose. Home funerals are an option that can help create the real notion of a good death.
Written by: Brendan Reilly
