How to Support a Grieving Child
Most children are at least a little familiar with the concept of death. They may have overheard someone talking about it or seen something on one of their favorite TV shows. Death is difficult for most people to deal with, even as adults. How do we help a kid process something as big as death?
How Grief is Different in Children
Everyone grieves differently. This is especially true when it comes to grief in children. As Shea Wingate, a licensed therapist and grief coach, who also is the owner of The Grief Girlie, states:
“Children grieve differently than adults. I like to remind my clients that children 'jump in and out of grief.'
It's common for a child to cry and miss mommy one moment, then run outside to play with the neighbors the next. So don't be surprised if your child moves in and out of grief quickly.
It is important to remember that behavior is a child's language. This means their grief could show up through behavioral changes, especially regression.”
- Shea Wingate
Children have a smaller capacity for grief. While adults sit in their grief for days, weeks, or even months at a time, children don't have the capacity to do this. Children need to return to "normalcy" to take a break from their grief. This is why they need to jump in and out of grief.
Stages of Grief in Children
Children experience the same stages of grief that adults do. Just like in adults, the stages of grief can come in any order. Children can bounce in and out of different stages. However, they experience them much differently than adults do. Children are not as vocal when it comes to their feelings, so it is important to look out for clues in their behavior to see how they are handling the grief.
Denial
When faced with overwhelming grief, people experience denial to protect themselves from the harsh reality of it. How children show their denial is dependent on their age and maturity. Denial usually happens right when they are first processing the news of a loved one's death, but it can come back at any time. A child might show denial by:
Refusing to tell others of the loved one's death
Asking when the deceased will be home
Going about their day as if nothing happened
Having little or no response when they are told of their loved one's passing
Anger
Anger is a natural response for anyone to have when dealing with grief. Anger can be an emotion that children have often, even when they are not grieving. Children have difficulty communicating their feelings and emotions, especially when grieving a loss. They do not know how to express the enormity of their feelings. They don't understand this immense new feeling that they are dealing with.
Children who are grieving have a lot to be angry about. Death makes children feel helpless. There is nothing they can do to change their reality. They have nowhere to put this energy, which often turns into anger and frustration. When children experience grief-triggered anger, they may:
Throw tantrums or act out at home or school
Get mad at the loved one who has passed for leaving them
Get mad at their friends or other kids who haven't experienced the same loss
Blame others for the death of their loved one
Blame themselves for the death of their loved one
Pick fights with family, teachers, or friends
Children may try to find any way to blame themselves for the death of their loved one. They may think something they said or thought somehow caused the loved one to die. They often need constant reassurance that the death was not their fault in any way.
Bargaining
Bargaining is more challenging to see and recognize in children. During the bargaining stage of grief, children often wonder what they could have done or said differently to prevent the death. They may try to change what happened or obsess over what happened just before their loved one's death. Bargaining in children could look like:
Bargaining with God to bring their loved one back
Trying to figure out what they could have done to prevent the death
Trying to change themselves to prevent someone else from dying
Bargaining can be hard to spot in children because many of these are thoughts that they might not share with others.
Depression
Depression is the stage of grief most people are familiar with. Depression often occurs when reality starts to sink in. When children begin to realize there is nothing they can do to bring their loved one back, they often feel hopeless. When a child is grieving, their depression may look like:
Repeated headaches or stomach aches
Uninterest in their favorite activities
Loss of appetite
Spending more time alone
Significant increase in sleep or time in bed
While depression is a natural response to grief, it can also be the most concerning. If a child is showing unhealthy or harmful ways of coping with their depression, it is crucial to seek professional help.
Acceptance
While acceptance is at the end of the list of stages, it does not mean grief ends with acceptance. It is possible to go in and out of acceptance and back into other stages of grief. When children reach acceptance in their grief, they may show it by:
Showing interest in their hobbies again
Speaking more and more about their loved one
Hanging out with friends or playing with other kids
Remembering good memories of their loved one
Finding ways to remember their loved one
Developing new hobbies
Children may show signs of acceptance in different ways. They are starting to realize that death is permanent and this is their new normal. This realization alone could cause them to move into a different stage of grief.
As they grow and mature, they realize what their loved one is missing out on and what they are missing out on by not having their loved one in their life. While they may still accept their loss, they may regress into other stages as well.
Processing Grief
There is no right or wrong way for a child to process grief. Everyone grieves differently, and no child is the same. It is normal for kids to have a hard time working through their grief. There is no set timeline to follow. When helping a child process grief, it is important to consider the child's age, maturity, and behavior before their loss.
The Grief Girlie: Shea Wingate shared her expertise as a licensed therapist and grief coach:
“If a child is having a hard time processing their grief, be patient.
Grief is so complex and hard to navigate. It's important to know that children will process their grief at each developmental level. This means they will understand death and their loss differently as they grow and mature.
With that being said, there is no set timeframe in which a child needs to process their loss. What they need is space and support to explore their grief across their development.”
- Shea Wingate
Children tend to move in and out of the stages of grief even more than adults do. As a child gets older, they may move through the stages of grief again and again. As they reach new milestones and experience life, they will gain a whole new understanding as to what they are missing out on when their loved one isn't there. Grieving does not have an ending, especially for children.
Activities to Help with Grief
Activities or games can be helpful when helping a child cope with the death of a loved one. Activities may be done one-on-one with a child or together as a family, depending on the activity or situation. Here are a few activities to try with a child struggling with grief.
Life Imprint
Shea Wingate likes to support her clients through an activity called a Life Imprint tool. She states:
“My favorite activity to support a family in talking about grief is to task the child with a Life Imprint tool.
A Life Imprint tool is a series of questions aimed to imprint on the child how they are similar to and shaped by their loved one who has died. The child finds out these answers by "interviewing" adults who knew the deceased.
Examples of these questions include: In what way did (the person who died) impact my mannerisms, my beliefs, my likes, and my dislikes?
This simple activity is a great way to help the child create a connection.”
- Shea Wingate
Coloring
Coloring can be a simple and easy activity to help cope with grief. Coloring can give a child structure while still being in control. Coloring in the lines can make a child feel like they are able to organize some of the chaos in their life.
Coloring can also have a meditative effect to it. Repeatedly doing a singular action like coloring can help children clear their minds. It can bring them a sense of calm and peace when their life feels like anything but.
Memory Box
A memory box can help the child keep their loved one's memory alive after they have died. To create a memory box, get a box and have the child gather anything that makes them think of their loved one. It could be pictures, a piece of clothing, a stuffed animal, or something their loved one liked. They could also draw or color a picture to remind them of them.
This memory box is something they can go back to again and again to help them remember their loved one and comfort them in their time of need. As they get older, they can use this box to keep the memories of their loved one alive.
Throw Wet Objects Outside
Anger is one of the stages of grief. Anger is a strong emotion that children have a hard time letting out. Physical activities can help release some of this anger.
A great way to do this is to throw wet objects onto a hard surface outside, preferably a wall. This could be sponges, water balloons, or even damp paper. They can throw these as hard as they can without doing damage. The water cannot only create a cool splatter, but it can also have a mentally releasing effect.
Journaling
Journaling is an activity that older kids can do. Kids can journal to help get anything off their chest that they don't want to say out loud. They can also write letters to their loved one who has passed. Journaling can be encouraged by making it something everyone sits down to do daily. Give everyone a notebook that reflects their personalities.
Dance
Movement helps deal with grief. Grief can often make children feel like they have little to no control over their lives. Anxiety, fear, anger, and restlessness are just a few things kids can experience with grief.
Build a playlist and maybe include a few of their loved one's favorite songs. Dance around. Encourage kids to move their bodies and shake off some of their negative feelings.
Long-term Effects of Childhood Grief
Studies have shown that adults who suffer from childhood grief are at a much higher risk for mental health concerns. Because of this, those with grieving children should be especially perceptive of significant and persistent behavioral changes in the child. According to Shea Wingate from The Grief Girlie:
“Children who experience grief are at a higher risk for mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety in adulthood.
It is important to support continued bounds through activities like a memory box and Life Imprint tool and open conversations about loss throughout their development.
I recommend families seek psychological support if behavioral or mood changes persist six months following the death of a loved one. Having extra support and care from a grief therapist can be a great tool for positive outcomes.
A grief therapist can provide a space for processing and teach helpful coping skills to manage distress after a loss.”
- Shea Wingate
The best thing to do when helping a child through their grief is to provide them with the support they need. This could be various activities to help them remember their loved one, continued conversations about their loved one, or a grief counselor.
Shea Wingate leaves us with a helpful reminder when helping children through grief:
"With a few emotionally present and supportive adults in their lives, children can be resilient in the face of a difficult loss. Make sure to create space for their grief throughout their development and respect their needs and boundaries along the way!"