What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving: Condolence and Comfort in Action
When we humans are born, one of the first things we do is to scream and cry. Dr. Michel Odent, a well-known French obstetrician, theorizes that the caterwauling of a newborn infant is an evolutionary adaptation meant to trigger caregiving responses within the mother and other community members. While Dr. Odent's ideas are often debated amongst his peers in terms of their scientific accuracy, the idea serves as a good metaphor for human community; when our time on Earth begins, we are equipped with the first thing we need to survive. Horses walk, turtles seek the sea. For us homo sapiens, we ask for help.
Lean into Community
If humans can be categorized as communal creatures, it makes sense that we'd want to help when we see our family, friends, or community members suffering.
Many philosophies and ways of life see learning empathy as we grow a cornerstone of the human experience, or claim that the meaning of life is to ease the suffering of others. If humans can be categorized as communal creatures, it makes sense that we'd want to help when we see our family, friends, or community members suffering. Even more so in the face of death, loss, and grief. The idea to be active, do something, anything, to help ease the pain is a noble pursuit, and, depending on the situation, can lead to some amazing results. When it comes to bereavement, there's a lot of uncertainty surrounding what to do and what not to do, what's helpful and what's harmful. Sometimes, what is actually helpful can seem counterintuitive.
In this article, we’ll delve into a few different perspectives on how to support the bereaved after a death, some helpful things to do, and some important reminders of what to avoid. Hopefully, the information here will help you feel equipped to support your loved one (or loved ones) through a time of unthinkable grief.
The Uniqueness of Grief
The Grieving Process
In her 1969 book On Death and Dying psychiatrist and near-death studies pioneer Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the framework of the Five Stages of Grief. Briefly, the stages are:
Denial: Struggling to accept the reality of a loss.
Anger: Manifesting frustration, irritation, resentment, and feelings of injustice towards oneself, others, a higher power, or the dead when the reality of a loss sets in.
Bargaining: Negotiating with self, others, higher powers, or the universe in an attempt to reverse or mitigate a loss.
Depression: Natural response to the accompanying changes in one’s life regarding a loss, often while experiencing a profound sense of sadness or longing.
Acceptance: Finding a sense of peace with a significant loss, integrating and moving forward, coming to terms and living with the reality of the loss.
However, these stages are not linear or universal. Some people might not experience all of the stages, or might experience multiple stages all at once.
Processing Grief Your Way
This image shows what we think the grief cycle should be and what it actually is. There is no right or wrong way to move through the stages, but it is important to embrace a way that resonates with you.
Grief is Personal
One of the most important things to remember when it comes to knowing how best to help someone bereaved is that no two people's bereavement will be the same. Each experience will differ depending on a large multitude of factors, not limited to the relationship they had to the deceased and their own personal history. Unfortunately, there is and never will be one single, universal panacea to bring someone out of the murkiness of grief into a healing light.
It’s essential to remember that grief is a highly individualized, personal, and complex process. This is why putting a timeline on someone else’s grief journey is a big no-no. One only has to poke around on the internet, or talk to a few people who have experienced the loss of death to know; it’s a seemingly very common occurrence for others to impose an unwarranted expiration date on someone else’s grief. Processing loss can take minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades. It’s different for everyone, and respecting that fact is a huge way to show the bereaved an offering of support.
Listen Without Judgement
Listening is Key
When in the midst of grieving, since it is such an individual experience, there’s often no exactly right answer of how to help that can’t be found by asking the bereaved what they need. Most of the time, people just want someone to sit and listen.
Talking about their feelings, their memories, their racing thoughts, is a way many people process loss and surrounding complicated emotions. Everything can get tangled up when experiencing the grief of death, and having an ear to hear or a shoulder to cry on is one of the best ways someone can help. Sometimes, just sitting with the bereaved is all they need to not feel so alone or untethered in the vast, ostensibly endless sea of a new reality where suddenly someone who has always been a part of it just isn’t.
Avoid Trying to “Fix” Grief
Another thing to remember is that there’s no fixing someone else’s emotions, whether negative or positive, at any point in time, and much less of a possibility in the throes of grief.
Grief Tips for Kids:
“If a child is having a hard time processing their grief, be patient. Grief is so complex and hard to navigate. It’s important to know that children will process their grief at each developmental level. This means they will understand death and their loss differently as they grow and mature. With that being said, there is no set timeframe in which a child needs to process their loss. What they need is space and support to explore their grief across their development.”
-Shea Wingate, LCSW
Feelings are information borne out of a whole individual lifetime of experience; they’re never right and never wrong, they just are. Though it makes sense to see someone suffering and want to do something to change that, an attempt to fix someone’s grief can result in the bereaved feeling like whoever’s trying the fixing isn’t a safe person to process with.
Quiet time together could be a wonderful way to help them cope. If you want to aid someone experiencing grief at the death of a loved one, offer to just sit and listen, or just sit and be there. Take a cue from how much the bereaved seems like they want to talk, or straight up ask them. And whatever they say, believe them. You might find this the quickest way to achieve your supportive goals.
Supportive Words & Gestures
Outside of offering to listen, offering space, and offering understanding, there are a few more active practices that could express your desire to support the bereaved, and communicate a sense of solace. None of these are guaranteed to do anything, since grief is different for everyone, but at the very least these ideas might communicate your drive to help. Just remember that if you agree or offer to do something, avoid an empty promise by following through as best you are able, or to communicate your inability to if that happens. There’s no magic formula, but maybe these ideas can help.
What To Say
I’m sorry for your loss.
My condolences.
How are you doing?
Would you like to talk about it?
I’m happy to listen to whatever you want to share.
Your feelings are welcome and appreciated.
However you’re feeling okay.
I recognize how hard this is for you.
I’m sorry I can't make things better for you.
I’m sorry things are so tough right now.
What To Do
Ask if there’s anything they need
This is a great practice if you want to help, but don’t know exactly what to do. It lets the bereaved know you’re there to support them. If they’re unsure about ways you can help, it’s okay to suggest specific ways you can help, like cooking a meal, taking them shopping or running other errands, or any household chores. Most routine things fall off when someone experiences a death.
Share a memory
A heart-warming story, a fun anecdote, or any other stand-out memory about what the deceased meant to you personally is usually appreciated when someone is grieving. Sharing your own experience of them before death helps the bereaved recall their own memories of their loved one, and to remember someone is to honor them.
Tell them you’re thinking of them
Even if it’s only a text message or a voicemail, letting a loved one who’s lost someone know you’re thinking about them is an important expression of emotional support. It can help them feel they don’t have to go through the harrowing stages of grief and tidal wave of complex emotions alone. Sometimes, just knowing people care results in a huge feeling of being supported.
Offer time and space
Asking a grieving person “how are you doing?” and “would you like to talk about it?” can help them speak freely to process. Even if they say they’re not in a place to talk, the gesture is usually appreciated. You can also offer just time spent with them involving no talking, as some people just like not being alone when experiencing difficult thoughts and feelings.
What Not To Say
At least they lived a long life. (or, “lots of people die young.”)
They’re in a better place
There’s a reason for everything.
Be strong. (or, “you’re so stoic.”)
You can still have another child/husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/pet.
I know how you feel.
They did what they were put here on Earth to do, and now they’re going home.
They brought this on themselves.
They were such a good person, God/the universe/a higher power wanted them with them.
You should be over them. (or, “they’ve been dead for a long time now, you should be over it.”)
What Not To Do
Impose religion
Not everyone believes in God, or a higher power, or practices a religion. They may not agree with your thoughts on an afterlife. They could still be angry at God or feel like their loved one was taken from them, even if they are faithful. Taking solace in religious ideals is definitely fine when you’re going through your own grief, but when it comes to others, it’s best to be guided by what the bereaved says, and religious claims about death and dying should only be brought up if the bereaved does so.
Make assumptions about how they feel
Even if you yourself have gone through the process of grieving the death of a loved one, everyone experiences death differently. Their journey could hit completely different points than yours did. Saying things like, “you must be feeling X, Y, or Z” or “I know how you feel” certainly come from a good place, but can be seen as reductive and doesn’t leave room for the bereaved’s actual experience and emotions.
Fix things
Trying to fix someone’s emotions or change the way they feel is a good practice to avoid in any situation, much less one in which someone is experiencing profound grief. Wanting to fix someone’s feelings could open the door to resentment at being told what to think or feel, and the bereaved wouldn’t feel comforted at all.
Set expectations about grief’s timeline
If the bereaved thinks they have to adhere to a specific timeline or process for their grief, they could potentially feel like they’re failing if they don’t hit arbitrary milestones. Sometimes, people never fully leave the grieving process. Even if you;re not saying they need to “get over it,” even saying things like “you will heal” can feel empty, and aren’t wholly accurate. Remember, each person’s grieving process is different.
An Understanding Mindset
When it comes to grief, it’s much less about someone learning to heal, or getting over the loss of death. Most of the time the hole left by someone dying doesn’t get smaller, but those still surviving with that hole learn to grow around the hole and live with the absence, the loss. Understanding this is a distinction that can lead to a bereaved person feeling supported in a community, rather than feeling left alone to deal with the weight of grief by themselves.
Having an understanding mindset when supporting anyone grieving can help assuage feelings of wanting to rescue the bereaved (which often leads to frustration and resentment.) When in this mindset, it might be easier to listen to the emotion behind the presentation. It's not unusual for someone to not feel like talking directly about their grief experience, but sometimes in those situations anything they say could have an emotional link to their bereavement. Sitting and listening can feel like you’re not doing anything or being passive, but trying to force things through a process or telling them how they feel could result in the bereaved feeling like their ability to own their own thoughts and emotions is removed or impeded. To validate someone’s feelings, you must accept them. Simply acknowledging their feelings can leave them feeling empathized with, understood, and supported. Sometimes the most powerful thing to say would be that they have a right to feel however they need to feel, and there’s no imperative to feel any differently.
What do I do if I mess up and say or do the wrong thing?
Everyone makes mistakes, even with the best of intentions. In short, if you find yourself making any sort of booboo in this article, don’t be too worried about it, especially in close relationships. Because of the inherently personal nature of grief, everything is new, unexplored territory, so some slip-ups are bound to happen. The best way to move forward is to recognize, apologize and own the mistake. Ask them what is going to help instead of what you did, and trust that they’re telling you the truth. If you recognize pain isn’t something that needs to be fixed, just something you need to be there for and with, most likely, they will feel the support you’re wanting to offer. Don’t overthink it.
Written by: Brendan Reilly
