Talking to my young daughter about death

Parenthood has been a beautiful journey filled with many joys and challenges. One of the most daunting tasks has been navigating conversations with my daughter about death. Explaining the concept of mortality to her is so complex and triggering, but it becomes even more intricate when as a parent, I’m confronted with the anxiety of leaving my child alone in this wild world.

As a child, I had a lot of death around me. I lost all of my grandparents by my early twenties. In junior high, I lost three friends in a really short amount of time; two to suicide and one to a car accident. I literally walked into my house from one funeral service to be met by a friend telling me another one of our friends had also committed suicide. Then, in my late teens and early 20s, I lost two more childhood friends, one to murder and the other to suicide. Throughout my formative years, I never had the benefit of understanding death and grief in any meaningful way. I never really understood how to deal with the BIG emotions that would come. I didn’t know that it was ok to grieve in my own way and in my own time. I was taught that it was funerals and open casket visitations to honor the person’s life and mourn the loss. Those were the things you did and then you moved on. Ceremonies and grief were treated like a check list. 

“As a mother of an almost 8-year-old, I’m being asked about death and dying a lot.”

Tara Z.

Death has always scared me and intrigued me at the same time. As I write this, I’m realizing that I’ve been blessed to have gone down a path of healing and understanding of my emotional wellbeing. As much work as I have done, I never really talked a lot about these deaths or the impact they had on me at a young age.

As a mother of an almost 8-year-old, I’m being asked about death and dying a lot. Thankfully at this age, the questions are pretty simple and fairly easy to explain. We haven’t yet lost someone close to her yet that she will prompt the need for more understanding  of what grief is and an explanation of all the BIG feelings that come along with it. The waves of sadness, loss, pain, anger, regret, etc.

The questions I wrestle with are: How do I explain how to navigate these emotions if I was never taught? How do I navigate through the emotions of one day leaving my child and no longer being in a physical body for her to hold and talk with? How do I allow myself to grieve the loss of innocence and the lack of understanding BIG emotions?

These are the deep workings I find myself in and why it’s uncomfortable at times and painful.

I find myself focusing on choosing the right moments to initiate more conversation about mortality, communicating in a way to avoid unnecessary emotional distress, and singling out what is she ready to understand.

As I wrestle with my own fears and emotions when discussing my mortality, I’m able to become very present in the conversation with myself and my daughter, so that my inner child can be healed and held while I allow my child to ask as many questions as she needs. Creating a space of presence, love, support, and reassurance has been helpful for us both. Talking about our legacy of love and always being in each other’s hearts, our family values and memories always brings a lightness and joy to this hard conversation.

Navigating these conversations about death is challenging on many levels, and the anxiety of leaving them alone definitely adds an extra layer of complexity. However, I have found that addressing the concerns with sensitivity, honesty, and a supportive demeanor has fostered trust and resilience within our family. By acknowledging the anxiety and providing a foundation of love and support, I can navigate this difficult terrain and help my daughter and I face the uncertainties of life with courage and understanding. I always come out of those conversations and emotions with more clarity and understanding of myself and the incredible complexity of the human experience. I know these conversations will continue to sustain our bond and understanding of the unknowns surrounding death, and help empower us both as when grief and death impact our lives. 

Tara Z.