When a parent hasn’t made any arrangements…

She has no living will. She has nothing in writing to let us know what her last wishes are. She has not communicated to her daughters what she’d like done in the way of a memorial or if she’d like to be buried or cremated or otherwise. This topic is taboo. Don’t bring it up and don’t ask questions about it. 

“I’ve learned quite a bit from my mother who won’t talk about her end-of-life plans… because she doesn’t have any!”

I’ve learned not to wait.

Malory M.

When I look back on deep conversations with my mother I realize that we just really don’t have them and never have. She’s someone who chooses to avoid the things that no one really wants to talk about but we do because we need to: death, finances, mistakes from the past, feelings about this or that. Even though she wants to avoid them, I bring them up. I want to honor her last wishes and do what she’d like done with her belongings, housing and ultimately her body. She says things like “We don’t need to talk about that” or “That’s so morbid”. She’s someone who closes her mind off to new ideas, so why would this be any different? 

Not having these conversations has helped me to be more open with my own children. I have joked with them that I’d like to be cremated and put in an urn and live on one of their coffee tables, or they can share me by going from one daughter’s house to the other. When asked what my husband would like done upon his death he says “Whatever’s the cheapest”. 

Sometimes I think her attitude on this is just due to her age. But because she’s in her mid-eighties you’d think she’d be more inclined to talk about it! Older people are sometimes closed-minded to learning new things and are not open to new ideas. Maybe this is just one of those situations? 

I’ve learned quite a bit from this. I’ve learned not to wait. Don’t wait to call family or friends because you’re waiting for them to call you. Don’t wait to have those sometimes uncomfortable conversations about death, last wishes, feelings, etc. If something unexpected does happen, your family will find out about all the things that have been kept hidden. We may never know and will have to do our best to guess at the end. Yes this causes frustration, quite a bit actually at times. We’re just moving forward and doing the best we can with our mother who doesn’t want to talk about a part of life that is inevitable. 

Malory M.